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Dear
President Clinton...
Stranger
than fiction
Tipple of
the month
What is
an hotelier?
Commendations
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I fully realise the odds against
this letter ever landing on your desk are incredible,
possibly in the region of 250 million to 1 (about
the same odds against a citizen of the United
Sates becoming President), but as a great believer
in the adage "you always miss 100% of the shots
you don't take" I think I will take the risk and
continue. And, besides, you overcame odds of 250
million to 1 to reach the ultimate office of President
so I take heart from your example.
Now, Sir, to the point of my letter. Ten years
ago my First Lady, Averil, and I hocked everything
we had - and then some - and opened a wee restaurant
in North Down (at low tide you can just about
see Strangford Lough and at high tide you are
in it). We worked hard for our success and today
the Old Schoolhouse is, we honestly believe, among
the best restaurants in the North of Ireland.
The outbreak of peace just over a year ago had
a incredible impact on our business and this,
along with our renewed optimism for the future,
encouraged us to expand and a few weeks ago we
completed a brand new twelve bedroom complex adjacent
to the restaurant. Ever conscious of the contribution
Ulstermen made to the birth and prosperity of
the American Nation we named each bedroom after
an American president of Ulster descent - Jackson,
Roosevelt, Wilson, Grant, Cleveland, Buchanan,
Harrison, McKinley, Munroe, Johnsaton, Polk and
Arthur.
We have now decided to build a thirteenth bedroom
which we intend to name after another American
of Ulster descent who in this instance made such
a vital contribution towards peace and stability
in our small country. This thirteenth bedroom,
Mr President, will be named the Clinton Suite.
So Mr President I would like to take this opportunity
to invite you to cut the first sod of the Clinton
Suite when you visit our country later this month.
Of course I understand you will have a hectic
schedule of meetings with the leading players
and Captains of Industry but I do believe the
few minutes it would take to perform this simple
ceremony would demonstrate to the watching world
that everyone in the Province has a stake in the
peace process and a moral responsibility to seize
the opportunities which it has presented to us
all.
Believe me, Mr President, you will be made most
welcome in Northern Ireland and I look forward
to offering you the hand of friendship (and a
spade!). Needless to say I would welcome your
early and positive reply.
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Stranger
Than Fiction
A study of the circumstances surrounding
the deaths of the United States presidents,
Abraham Lincoln and John F Kennedy, reveals
an almost unbelievable train of coincidences.
For Example:
Both President Lincoln and President Kennedy
were concerned with the issue of civil rights.
Lincoln was elected in 1860; Kennedy in 1960.
Both were slain on Fridays and in the presence
of their wives.
Both were shot from behind and in the head.
Their successors were both named Johnson, were
southern democrats, and were in the senate.
Andrew Johnson was born in 1808; Lyndon Johnson
was born in 1908.
Booth and Lee were Southern, favouring unpopular
ideas. Booth and Lee were assassinated before
going to trial. Both president's wives lost
children while in the White House.
Lincoln's secretary whose name was Kennedy,
advised him not to go to the theatre; Kennedy's
secretary whose name was Lincoln, advised him
not to go to Dallas.
John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre
and ran to a warehouse; Oswald shot Kennedy
from a warehouse and ran to a theatre.
The names, Lincoln and Kennedy, each contain
seven letters; the names Andrew Johnson and
Lyndon Johnson, each contain thirteen letters;
the names, John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey
Oswald, each contain fifteen letters.
Neither Andrew Johnson nor Lyndon Johnson were
re-elected.
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Tipple
of the month - Kir
This is the perfect way of turning a glass of
house white wine into an excellent aperitif. Just
add a few drops of Creme de Cassis, an alchoholic
blackcurrant syrup, to the wine until it turns
a pale pink. Don't sacrifice good wine by overdoing
the cassis, or you will end up with something
tasting like Ribena.
The drink takes its
name from Canon Kir, a mayor of Dijon, who consumed
the tipple in such impressive quantities that
the name was changed from blanc cassis to Kir
in his honour. This is not an expensive drink.
Terry’s
personal note:
Don’t be a pompous ass and order Kir Royale. This
only ruins good champagne.
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What
is an hotelier?
A hotelier must be a
diplomat, an autocrat, an acrobat and a doormat.
He must have the faciliy to entertain prime ministers,
princes of industry, pickpockets, gamblers, bookmakers,
pirates, philanthropists, popsies and prudes.
He must be on both sides of the political fence
and be able to jump the fence. He should be, or
have been, a footballer, golfer, bowler, tennis
player, cricketer, dart player, taylor, pigeon
fancier, motor racer and linguist as well as have
a good knowledge of any sport involving dice,
cards, horse racing or billiards. This is most
useful as he must, on occasion, settle arguments
or squabbles. Therefore he must be a qualified
boxer, wrestler, weight-lifter and peace-maker.
He must always look
immaculate when drinking with the ladies and gentlemen
mentioned above, as well as bankers, swankers,
theatricals, commercial travellers and company
executives, even though he has just made peace
between any two, four, six or more of the aforementioned
patrons.
To be successful, he
must keep the bar full, the house full, the storeroom
full, the customersfull and not get full himself.
He must have staff who are clean, honest, quick
workers, quick thinkers, non drinkers, mathematicians,
technicians, and at all times, on the boss’s side
and the customers’ side and stay on the outside
of the bar.
To sum up, he must be
outside, inside, off-side, glorified, sanctified,
crucified, stupified, cross-eyed arid, if he is
not the strong silent type, there is always suicide.
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100
Ballydrain Road, Comber Newtownards, County Down, Northern Ireland,
BT23 6EA
Telephone: 028 9754 1182 Fax: 028 9754 2583
Irish Tourist Board 4 Star Inn
info@theoldschoolhouseinn.com
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